The baby books forgot to mention hallucinations

I have a bone to pick with baby books, of which I am now actively boycotting.  [ain’t nobody got time for that!]  Baby books, blogs, and chronic advice-bombers all seem to have left out one key tidbit about life with a newborn.The less you sleep, the more likely you are to hallucinate.

To put it plainly: I tripped balls.

During the first few weeks of parenthood, my sleep sessions were limited to what seemed like only a few minutes.  An hour was a rare and elusive luxury.  I’m honestly not sure how much I actually slept but I’d say it was just enough to enter the dream state and then promptly jerk awake.  Needless to say, it resulted in a few interesting scenarios…

incident #1 – well that was odd…
It all started off innocently enough with the misplacement of items around the house.  I’ve done everything from putting my car keys in the fridge to placing boxes of dry pasta in the freezer to losing my phone and, quite frequently, my mind.
incident #2 – the blanket
One night I sleep-rolled my favorite blanket into a baby-sized ball of sorts and woke up rocking it in my arms.  As if that wasn’t strange enough, another night that same week I attempted to breastfeed my baby-shaped blanket while sleeping.  I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.  At least I didn’t try to burp the blanket.  That would be crazy.
incident #3 – the pump
Not only did I have dreams about nursing, I dreamt of the annoying whooshing of the pump too.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken with a start from a zombie-like coma only to try to tug off the imaginary pump that I could have sworn I fell asleep attached to.  This hasn’t actually happened yet.  Yet.
incident #4 – husband hallucinations
I’m not the only one who suffered temporary insanity, thank goodness! Paul frequently passed out while feeding/snuggling the chickpea those first few weeks and one time [I think the same night I caught myself trying to nurse a blanket] I shook him awake in full panic-mode…
“Bear! Where is the baby!?”
“Shhhh it’s okay.  She’s right here.” [points to madison the cat]
“That’s the CAT! Where is the baby!?” 
“Jenny, she’s. right. here.” [eyes closed; motioning to the ginger kitty]
“PAUL!!!!!! WAKE UP!”
[he wakes up, looks down, and realizes he’s cradling the cat] “Oh.”
Mia was in her bassinet safe and sound.

Madison still thinks she’s a baby.

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  • Katie Cummings

    Thank you. I needed an extra dose of birth control. 🙂

  • Heather Powers

    Hahaha! Omg too funny! Yeah, I have PLENTY of sleep deprived/braindead stories…I could entertain you for weeks! Like the time I sprinkled my peanut butter toast with garlic powder INSTEAD of cinnamon! 80

  • ha! GOOD to know 🙂 ah i hope youre getting more sleep these days. xo jillian – cornflake dreams

  • Wowzers. I do not look forward to the hallucinating! Although it does bring about some pretty entertaining stories!! 😉

    I think me and Dave need a cat or something to practice on. I think all pets that are loved think they are babies. 😉

  • Wendy

    My oldest is 7 now, but I still remember waking up my husband and tearing the bed apart because we had no idea where the baby was…he was actually sleeping in his hammock 2 feet away (I think the one and only time he slept in it.)

  • Marjorie

    Hilarious and completely true! I have never been so exhausted in all of my life as the first couple months with my son. There is just no way to know how cray cray the lack of sleep makes you until you experience it.

  • Juli @ 1000lovelythings

    I almost cried laughing. Luckily my office is still empty besides me 🙂 If you are only a teeny tiny bit like my mum you will tell her these little storys over and over again every single Christmas. That’s the suff a good old family laugh is all about! Hope you’ll catch up on your sleep soon!

  • Jess Allen

    ha ha!! I remember waking up startled in a sweat, convinced I had fallen asleep with Jada in our bed and rolled on her.

  • Sarah Pie

    Hahahaha that was a well needed laugh for a Monday 🙂
    Hoping the crazy will fade as chickpea gives you a little more sleep, but if not at least your crazy is hilarious!

  • Lack of sleep will do strange things to people. I swear every baby should come with that warning. 🙂
    Hang in there mama; you are doing great.

  • Liz Ford

    I really just want to give you a hug and watch Mia a bit so you can sleep. I swear I’m laughing with you and not at you 😉

  • K @ Finding a Skinnier Me

    LOL! You poor thing but she is absolutely adorable

  • Sprint2theTable

    You need to do a stand up comedy tour about motherhood.

  • Rachel

    your definitely not on your own! I regularly thought I had fallen asleep whilst breastfeeding, and woke up checking the bed to see where she had gone!

  • Alysia @ Slim Sanity

    Lol. The stories about the blanket are my favorite. 🙂

  • Brittany @ A Life Worth Living

    Oh. My. God. I just laughed so I hard I almost inhaled my toast

  • Oh man I laughed so freaking hard at this. I can relate. When my son was born in 2009 I was in labour for 3.5 days <—-nope not a typo. And during that time, a section was always on the table, so I wasn’t allowed to eat. Or drink. (I would have gladly shivved somebody for an ice chip) To top that off I couldn’t sleep so by the time he was finally born (emergency c-section) I was, as you say, trippin’ balls. (The massive amounts of drugs prob didn’t help). When we finally took the baby home, we could still hear multiple babies crying and other hospital noises. For days I could still hear the hiss from the oxygen thingy that had been by my head. Hubs was tripping too because he heard the crying too and I remember both of us having an incredibly hard time doing a simple math equation one night while we were still in the hospital. Our son is lucky we were clearheaded enough to fill out the birth certificate properly. I mean sure we named him Crap Bag but it could have been way worse. 😛

  • Alexandra

    haha awesome. I have totally been there!

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