I have a bone to pick with baby books, of which I am now actively boycotting. [ain’t nobody got time for that!
] Baby books, blogs, and chronic advice-bombers all seem to have left out one key tidbit about life with a newborn.The less you sleep, the more likely you are to hallucinate.
To put it plainly: I tripped balls.
During the first few weeks of parenthood, my sleep sessions were limited to what seemed like only a few minutes. An hour was a rare and elusive luxury. I’m honestly not sure how much I actually slept but I’d say it was just enough to enter the dream state and then promptly jerk awake. Needless to say, it resulted in a few interesting scenarios…
incident #1 – well that was odd…
It all started off innocently enough with the misplacement of items around the house. I’ve done everything from putting my car keys in the fridge to placing boxes of dry pasta in the freezer to losing my phone and, quite frequently, my mind.
incident #2 – the blanket
One night I sleep-rolled my favorite blanket into a baby-sized ball of sorts and woke up rocking it in my arms. As if that wasn’t strange enough, another night that same week I attempted to breastfeed my baby-shaped blanket while sleeping. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. At least I didn’t try to burp the blanket. That would be crazy.
incident #3 – the pump
Not only did I have dreams about nursing, I dreamt of the annoying whooshing of the pump too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken with a start from a zombie-like coma only to try to tug off the imaginary pump that I could have sworn I fell asleep attached to. This hasn’t actually happened yet. Yet.
incident #4 – husband hallucinations
I’m not the only one who suffered temporary insanity, thank goodness! Paul frequently passed out while feeding/snuggling the chickpea those first few weeks and one time [I think the same night I caught myself trying to nurse a blanket] I shook him awake in full panic-mode…
“Bear! Where is the baby!?”
“Shhhh it’s okay. She’s right here.” [points to madison the cat]
“That’s the CAT! Where is the baby!?”
“Jenny, she’s. right. here.” [eyes closed; motioning to the ginger kitty]
“PAUL!!!!!! WAKE UP!”
[he wakes up, looks down, and realizes he’s cradling the cat] “Oh.”
Mia was in her bassinet safe and sound.
Madison still thinks she’s a baby.
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