Deployment By Numbers

Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while (I love your faces off!) have probably noticed that my posts have progressively been getting a bit more angsty… more sarcastic… more colorful even.  The longer I exist without my husband, the closer I get to impending insanity.  This might explain the countless ball jokes, the stories of pantslessness, and the overall inappropriateness that is carefully woven in between recipes and my standard post shenanigans.  I’d apologize… but I have a feeling that if you’re still reading, you kind of love it.
Laughter is undoubtedly the world’s best medicine and humor has been my deployment self-defense mechanism of choice.  So when my blog antics get a little out of hand, I’m simply refilling my prescription.  Plus belly laughs double an ab workout.  Win-win.

In other news, I started a tally of things that happened while P was gone.
Here are a few of my favorites:

Deployment by Numbers

Number of time I’ve locked myself out of the  house 3
Number of times I thanked my husband instead of god for installing the 8th wonder of the world, the remote control garage keypad 3

Number of nights I decided wine and chocolate were an acceptable dinner 2

Number of toes broken 1

Number of obscenities screamed when the aforementioned toe broke 8

Number of savory stuffed sweet potatoes I stuffed in my face  [insert obscene # here]
Number of times I’ve set off the smoke alarm 10

Number of new batteries I’ve had to put in that damn smoke alarm 3

Number of classes I’ve taken at the gym 130+ [in 8 months]

Number of books read 100

Number of times I grey hairs I found [$%&*!]

Number of times I dyed my hair b/c of those stupid silver strands 3

Number of times I watched Despicable Me 25

Number of times I swore I would never make it through this without a straight jacket 20

Number of times I was wrong every. single. time. 🙂

And since we’re doing the numbers thing, thank you x1001 to everyone that left countless comments, tweets, texts, emails, and other forms of encouragement over the past year.  You guys are the absolute best support system I could ask for —  Love you fiercely!  At the risk of making this the cheesiest post ever… “You complete me!”  

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  • Caitlin

    This is just the cutest post! Congrats on a safe and happy homecoming!

  • He’s under marriage contract to shave that thing STAT! =) Not really but he doesn’t know that… hehe

    Thanks love!

  • That’s a lot of Despicable Me…however it is a fabulous movie.  It seems you have indeed been keeping yourself busy.
    It would be nice if the deployment could be over already and hopefully P will find the razor before he returns home 🙂

  • me neither! its a freaking mystery! 😉

  • Awwww, that was so sweet!  Seriously you ROCK! I don’t know how you deal with deployment. 

  • they are so. freaking. nasty.

    but its hilar!

  • Thanks Carly!!!!! =) xoxo

  • I’m a force to be reckoned with these days =) Love you immensely!

  • Sending you SOOOO much love my lady!!!!

  • bah! this was is so so so so loving and hilarious and really touching jenn. you are a strong lady along with all the other families of our brave armed forces. big hugs to you and high fives for skype.

  • chocmilk_carly

    ahh, your post gave me goosebumps! You can hold onto your sanity a little longer I know it! You are amazing and I won’t judge you on your obscene consumption of savory sweet potatoes, because those things are darn delicious. As are meatBALLS, forshure(: Keep on smiling and feel those abs burn! 

  • Marisa of course you can do it! You’ll rock through anything the distance throws at ya! <3 and I’ll always be here as a cheerleader for ya! =)

  • Marisa@Thecollegecuisiner

    Love you Jenn! Your strength gives me hope I can do it in a year’s time! You are amazing!…and hilarious.

  • This is so funny because I have literally begged my husband to shave of his mustache. He called it his “MEU” stache since he’s deployed with the 24th MEU. I literally jumped up and down when I saw he finally shaved it off. Thank he Lord! 

  • Love you! Period. 🙂 

  • Don’t try to pretend you don’t stop by exclusively for the balls. I know your type =)

    MWAH!! Love ya maureen! Thanks!

  • “You had me at hello!”
    I LOVE reading your blog because of your humor and your love of sweet potatoes.  You also post things about balls a alot, so that may or may not be another reason.  😉

  • Ahhh OMG!!! You’re like super mom! You’re pretty much my hero for doing that!

  • Ack I know I neeeeed to get my butt to VA! Once we get settled around here I think I’ll be able to start planning fun east coast road trips! =) Until then, you should get your butt down here missy!

  • Oh I completely understand how you feel! Jesse and I actually went 2 1/2 years without seeing each other at all – those 10, 000 miles of distance really suck ass.

    I agree, laughter is definitely the best medicine!

  • Liziheartvegetables

    You are so freaking adorable. Paul is a lucky man!!! Now when are you coming to VA to visit?!

  • LOL!  My kids locked me out of the house (well,  all of us out of the house) this morning while I was watering the plants.  Needless to say, I wish I had pants instead ofa skirt on as I scaled our back porch up to the back door.  Fourteen feet in the air with a skirt and heels on is definitely the mark getting a “crazy neighbor” title, I’m sure.  Hang in.   I love the cheese…and the funny. Keep it coming! 

  • Tracy Peloquin

    Oh Lady I love this post. I can’t imagine having my loved one away!

  • deployments SUCK!!! Hang in there, you’re doing awesome.  

  • Very sweet. Can’t even imagine. Thanks for sticking it out and continuing to share your angsts and shenanigans with us! 

  • Omg I <3 you! Soon you will have someone to change the batteries, watch Despicable Me, turn off the smoke alarm, workout with you…but hopefully no more toe breaking! 

  • Ellenbcookery

    Too funny!  I think it’s time for your hubby to return home 🙂

  • Next time I run away like that yell at me! =) Haha love ya girly!

  • Alison Yeung

    I loved this! Three days without a post from you was so sad 🙁 

  • Thanks Stepherz! Love + miss you mucho!!!!!

  • Steph M

    You’re such a trooper Jenn!  Love you!

  • bahahaha! I mainly tell my husband’s cat that she’s an asshole. But she gets lots of rubs/treats too. Still an ass though.

  • Holy crap Amy you HAVE seen it haven’t you!? That and “Up” turn me into a smiling/laughing/sobbing pile of mush. Love it so.

  •  Oh and I was just looking through videos that I took during my husband’s deployment last year. I have like 25 of my dog eating treats and me telling her how cute she was. I feel your pain!!

  • I need to watch Despicable Me again! It’s toooo funny.

  • Amy B @ Second City Randomness

    he he he… Despicable Me was that good, huh?  😉

  • That keypad has saved my hiney so many freaking times it’s ridiculous! Haha get one stat! <3 One time I got locked out in nothing but an oversized t-shirt…. pre-keypad days. it wasn’t fun walking into a strangers house half-nekked to use their phone

  • One day at a time! [haha the deployment AND the toe!] Thanks Melody! <3

  • Our relationships rock right? =) Thanks so so so much Court!!! <3

  • Melody Adams

    OMG…I don’t know how you military wives do it. And OUCH, your poor toe. 🙁

  • kim@Hungryhealthygirl

    Locking your self out of the house… not good! I think I need a remote control garage keypad immediately! Also, your hilarious!! 

  • Oh Jen… I just adore you! And I totally look up to you. You are SO strong and I just know that you and your hubs have the BEST love connection ever! I can’t wait until he’s home with you again!

  • You’re not wrong! And yes — *hopefully* we’re nearing the end of this one. Still waiting on more info. It’s been a loooong time!

  • Lindsay @ Fuel My Family

    So does this mean homecoming is soon?? I hope so! Deployment is the most trying thing EVER! On your marraige, sanity, and life in general!

  • Oh ericahhh! I love you so much it hurts! And just think – your zumba obsession inspired me to take the leap and finally try the class… which then snowballed into me trying all the classes at my gym! Thanks for that hooker =)

  • erica jordan

    i want to SQUEEZE YOU!!!! you are doing so gooooood girly! and just think of the countless nights of snuggles and kisses and LOVE and trips to whole foods an cooking an such you will have when Pauly D gets home!!

    love you an your STRENGTH!!

    and 130+classes. DAMN HOMIE

    love you!

  • Thanks schnookums!

  • Julie at JulieEating

    You are one strong military wife, git it GURL 🙂

  • That was just when it first happened.  Every additional step I took after that brought upon another 2-3 choice words in it’s wake.  I’m classy like that

  • Thanks Emily!!! =)

  • Hugs girl!!! Love this!! 

  • I cannot imagine what you are going through…kind of thing only 1 broken toe is impressive!  We are all here for you, and love your craziness.


    [notice how I see your non-word and raise you another? we’re so smart]

  • I have photo evidence of every single one…. If I post it y’all might run screaming for a blog about cupcakes instead =) Love you mucho!

  • Deployments SUCK but I’m glad this one is winding down! 

    I LOVE your hilariousness (if not’s a word, it is now)

  • Haha thank you!!!!!!!! Of course a fellow marine family member would appreciate the inappropriateness eh? =) We’re raised on it! Oorah! <3

  • Sprint2theTable

    You crack me up.  I think you should start tracking you stuffed sweet potato intake.  LOL!

    I so admire couples like you who can endure the stress of deployment.  Love you much! xoxo

  • FraijoManda

    Military women (especially Marine wives) are hardcore strong ladies! My daddy spent 22 years in the Corps – so born and raised here. I just found your blog – but I love a little (ok a lot) of inappropriateness. 😉

  • You have my permission to eat chocolate and wine for breakfast as long as your toe is broken =) I’ll join you — be right over!

  • I just broke my friggin toe two days ago. does that mean I can have chocolate and wine?? for breakfast?

    this thing happens SOON, yes??? so excited for you, mama.

  • The fact that you managed to only say 8 obscenities after breaking your toe is impressive – I’d be up around the 15-30 range. 🙂

    Glad to see you’re getting so much support in a what must be a super-tough situation!

  • Cat @ Your Momma

    deployment sucks ballllllls. Even if you are pantsless. 

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