Facebook, Flashlights, and Fake Proposals

Occasionally I indulge my creative urges and write.

Some of it will never see the light of day, but since the last two stories of mine were so insanely fun to write, I figured I could handle another. Hopefully Paul won’t be the only one cracking up at this story…

I kind of made a fool out of myself.

“As is tradition!”

How to Make an Ass Out of Yourself (part 1)

My job as a nutrition educator for WIC involved spending long hours chatting it up with moms and moms-to-be.

The focus of our conversations was diet and nutrition, but if you’ve ever met me, you know how easily the topics tend to stray… usually towards a string of inappropriate tangents.

After asking my clients a bazillion questions regarding their intake and nutrition needs, and gabbing for entirely too long, they frequently turned the tables on me.

“Why aren’t you married yet!?” was the million dollar question with “Do you have children? You’re not getting any younger!” as a close second.

I’d tell them to eat their vegetables; they’d tell me to stop effing around and settle down.

Day after day after day.

Then one day, I snapped.

10 hours of work peppered with dozens upon dozens of questions regarding my marital status and I.  Freaking. Lost it.

I burst into the living room where Paul was curled up on the couch snuggling the cat.

“Where’s my laptop? I need to go on Facebook, NOW!”
 
“Why…?”
 
“I’m changing my relationship status to single!  Give me the computer!”

I’m pretty sure his eyes bugged out of his head at this point.

“You’re leaving me?”

“No! I love you. But you’re not allowed to be my boyfriend anymore because you have waited entirely too long to propose and I am not in the dairy industry!”

I proceeded to sling a few colorful cliches his way including the classic “Why would you buy the cow when you’re obviously getting the milk for free!?” and “You’re just not that into me!” Looking back, I absolutely regret reading that book… though quoting it was surely an all-time low.

Granted, this entire conversation was an all-time low. Hand me a shovel and I’ll gladly dig myself a hole.

For those of you that know Paul and I… you know we were laughing throughout this entire ordeal. Extreme emotion tends to elicit the giggles in us. But giggles aside, I was freaking pissed.

BUT WAIT! There’s more!

I should probably mention that the months (MONTHS!!!) that led up to my epic meltdown were filled with multiple faux proposals.

Some days he’d dramatically get down on one knee, simply to comment on my tattoo… or nail polish… or brush a piece of imaginary fuzz off my shoe.

Another time he swiped a fake ring from my jewelry box and slipped it on my ring finger when I wasn’t looking.

Add in a few dozen will-you-marry-me’s followed by a painful pause and then “someday” or “when I finally ask you” and I was practically a ticking time bomb.

Dumping him on Facebook doesn’t seem so outlandish now, does it?  Thought so.

So after uttering a few choice words at the love of my life, I stormed off into the bedroom and hit the lights.

It was 8pm, and I could either murder my boyfriend, or go to sleep.

Sleep wouldn’t require a lawyer, a shovel, and an alibi, so naturally I crawled into bed.

A few minutes later Paul crawled under the covers with me.”Jenny turn on the lights.”

“NO!”

“Muffin…”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

I couldn’t see a darn thing but I know for a fact that cocky SOB was smirking.  He handed me a small velvet box and, without missing a beat, I handed it right back to him.  “NO!”

This little exchange went on three more times.  He finally opened the box, placed it in my hands and softly said “Jenny…”

Naturally I interrupted.

“NO! This isn’t a ring it’s a watch! It’s far too large to be a ring and I’m not falling for another one of your tricks!”

Clearly I was delusional.

I’m certain he was still smirking.  I love that smirk.  He took the “watch” out of the box and placed it on my finger and proposed.

I cried.  Then laughed.  Then cried.  Then turned 50000 shades of red knowing that I had made quite a mess of things.

“Jenny turn on the lights so you can see your ring..”

“NO!”

I’m shamelessly stubborn.

At some point, after my hysterics had subsided, Paul pulled out a flashlight so I could see my ring was indeed, not a watch. Watches aren’t quite so sparkly…  unless of course you’re a rapper.

He revealed that he had bought the ring months ago while I was standing right beside him, distracted by an extremely heated college football debate with the jeweler’s assistant.  He had planned on proposing all along, but waited because a)  he thinks it’s adorable when I’m angry and b) it was too cold outside for the romantic proposal he’d originally planned on.

My bad…

I turn beet red just thinking about it. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

Though did I mention there’s a part II to this?
Like This? You'll Love These:
·

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comments

  • Best proposals!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome Stuff.. 🙂

  • Stop yourself. I love you more now. Seriously. Best proposal ever!

  • If I have time to get into the whole schpiel I totally do. Its one of my favorite stories. Though the how we met story is always censored. That was just a shenanigan fest! =)

    muffin… muffinass… biscuit… any baked good I feel like calling him. Cupcake face is the latest =)

  • surprisingly I didnt’ slap him. I may have tripped him a few times though…

  • Ahhh thank you Amanda! We as females need to stop asking that question! ahhhh I’m sure i’m guilty of saying it once or twice too but I seriously try not to ask the marriage/engagement/baby questions b/c whenever someone asks me I want to run circles around the room screaming 😉 hehe!

  • Wonderful! This story just made my day!

  • This is amazing. And so friggin appropriate for you, haha!

  • Amanda @ Semi-Health Nut

    Um this is adorable and SO RELATEABLE!  Everytime I see a gal friend I haven’t seen in awhile it’s “so why hasn’t he proposed yet?”  As if I knew!

    I really don’t think I could take the fake proposals.   Seriously, at this point, I’d lose it.  And it wouldn’t be in as cute of a way as you did!

    Thanks for sharing this story! <3

  • Amanda @ Semi-Health Nut

     Hahaha I just laughed out loud at the sucker punching!!

  • Katie @ Katie Moves

    most adorable thing i’ve ever read! omg. 

  • Haha of course! It’s not super interesting though =)

    I’m really clumsy… awkward… dramatic… [insert adjective here] so Paul always teases me and shakes his head when I do/say something dumb. He’d always laugh and say “Silly Bird…” and the nickname stuck. When we finally moved in together it was wintertime and FREEZING in our VA apartment. I was used to florida heat so I always glued myself to his side when he was home and called him my bear. Also… he kind of hibernates if you let him. Like seriously this kid could sleep for days/months/years if you let him. I don’t let him =)

    <3

  • He’s sketchy like that. Hence why I married him =)

  • aawwwwwwwwws!!  chills over here. so adorable and real. 

  • Oh my gosh girl, you are so good at telling stories…I could totally feel your frustration leading up to the breakdown! And let me also note that if ONE more person asks me if I’m getting married soon, I will sucker punch them in 5 seconds or less! I’m not getting any younger, huh? Well your face isn’t getting any prettier! Lol

    I still can’t believe he fake proposed…that’s just not cool!

  • Will you please share the story behind the “bear” and “bird” nicknames???!!

  • bahahahaha! Our bad! =) At least it makes a good story!

  • Super cute story! The fake proposals are toooo funny. 

  • Kym

    i love love loveee this story!!! partly b/c i had a similar experience… about 3 wks before my husband proposed, i had an epic meltdown.. except it wasn’t as cute as your story. It was like a “let’s break up b/c this is going nowhere” kind of meltdown. Then 3 wks later he proposed and said it took everything in him not to tell me during my freakout session that he was actually going to propose in a few wks. hahaha! OOPS.

  • haha hooray for surprises! =)

  • Awesome story! I would be mad if my fiance keep fake proposing to me too. We were together 4 years before he proposed. After the first year I had to listen to the “when are you getting married?” crap! Tell people you are against marriage and it gets them off your back 🙂 Or they just ask when are you having kids! (If you tell them you’re against them too, they think you’re weird or have issues and don’t bother you at all 🙂 

  •  Oh my goodness, this is so cute! I am extremely stubborn (and a control freak) too, so I could see myself in a similar situation! My fiance was going to propose to me on a Friday night, but I figured it out, and he switched it to Thursday night and was able to surprise me!

  • This is the cutest proposal story ever! 😀 I really enjoyed reading about it. Congrats!

  • Jennifer Cote

    Aw! Thanks for sharing your sweet story, Jenn <3

  • They. Were. Infuriating.

    but also kind of awesome =)

  • yayy glad you love them! I’m borderline obsessed with storytelling =)

  • Yeah he’s okay =) haha! I love that goofball to death – thanks!

  • Muffin… Muffinass… Biscuit… Cupcake… He gets really mad at all of them and whines “I’M NOT A BAKED GOOD!!!!!” It’s quite fabulous

    come visit me? I think the Boston trip is a no-go — it conflicts with a certain countdown… a very exciting one! ahhh!

    I love you though!

  • Menden @ My Goal Called Life

    Oh my gosh, hilarious!!  My husband and I dated for about 6 years before he FINALLY proposed, so I feel ya girl…although I’m not sure I could have dealt with the faux proposals, haha!  Too funny!

  • Erica Jordan

    OMG!!!!!!!! I am dying over this cuteness and stubbornness from you Jenny/Muffin. Muffin!?? PAUL you are so cute for the name muffin!

    i love yall when can we MEET GOSH DARNIT! I am like you though I am stubborn and i also wouldnt turn on a light to see the ring hahah

    this is the cutest story! LOVE IT!

    xoxoxo

  • That’s such a precious proposal story! To me that’s way more impressive than super planned out event. It’s so real, and it’s also very true to you guys – awesome!

  • heatherbquinn

    This is one of the greatest proposal stories I’ve heard/read – you are adorable Jenny!

  • Sklhokie

    This is such a cute story! You have a great guy!

  • I looove your storytime posts!! I can totally relate to this!

  • Kristin Stones

    Yayy!  I love that story…what a beautiful memory! xo

  • What a great story, Jenn!!  Thanks for sharing with us!

  • You are the greatest storyteller – this is so cute & sweet! 

  • Nicole @ Healthy Way to Cook

    This is just far too precious. I love these “Story Time” posts!

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • Laugh and cry, laugh and cry… that’s me at my desk right now ;). So cute! 

  • TheMrsatSuccessAlongtheWeigh

    That is hilarious.  I think my man would have a hand print across his face after ONE faux proposal so I applaud you for keeping the shovel in the shed!  HA!

  • Oh my gosh, I love this story!!  So whenever anyone asks you now how he proposed, do you tell them that whole story??  Hilarious!

    And 2 more things:
    1. I love that he calls you muffin! 😉
    2. I would have changed my facebook status at that point, too.  He was such a tease!

  • Laughing my ass off 😀
    You are soooo cute and this story maaaade my day!!!
    Sounds like you two are meant to be together 🙂

  • Fit With Marie.com

    How sweet, lovely story 🙂

  • Antonia @ Health Inspirations

    This is one of the cutest blog posts I’ve ever read. Very adorable!!!

  • Tiffany

    I’m IN LOVE with this story!  IN LOVE!

  • KellyRosie1

    What an adorable story! Ah boys and thinking it is the cutest when we are angry… 😛

  • Sprint2theTable

    That is the sweetest story!!!  Why am I not surprised you did that? 😉

  • I love this – you guys are so cute!! Proposals aren’t perfect, they are real, and awesome. 🙂

  • Sarah

    hahaha I love this story!! Sounds like something I would do….and the whole why buy the cow if you get the milk for free…..heard that so many times growing up. ha

  • BEST story EVER! I love it and want to laugh and cry at the same time. Thanks for sharing!!!

  • awww don’t cry slutmuffin! I love you!!!!

  • I definitely cried reading this. You two are meant to be. Can’t wait till the boys are back so we can double date 🙂

  • Jaren@Kiwi Fit Blog

    Hahahah I love it!!! That is so cute and hilarious!! 🙂

  • That is one of the sweatest and yes, funniest stories I’ve heard about marriage proposals…it’s just so sweet and honest. Lucky for him he had the box when he did! ~Deirdre

  • Aww that is actually one of the best proposal stories I’ve ever heard! There is nothing better than a relationship where you can truly be yourself 🙂 Arguments and all! Thanks for sharing your story! I loved it! 

What’s For Dinner?

Find out with our free weekly recipe newsletter!