Ahhh pregnancy… I don’t have too many words of wisdom to share on the subject because, as we’ve determined at an earlier date, I’m positively awful at incubating. My body quite literally goes into attack mode and tries to off me for some strange reason. Once the trauma subsides, I’m left feeling like a human bounce house for a hyper chickpea fueled by entirely too much coffee. The bouncy part is my bladder. I willingly drank the coffee. This can’t end well.
This kid hasn’t even been born yet and she’s already ousting her dad as the #1 butt of my jokes. Not to worry, I’m entirely okay with her reading this someday. I’m a blogger with a big mouth, and what happens on the internet: stays on the internet. Forever. Hopefully she’ll get a good laugh out of this someday, though I’d like for that laughter to be sprinkled with a teeny bit of mortification. Payback darling. Payback.
So where were we? Oh yes, pregnancy brain: the fun phenomenon where a fully functioning brain [let me hang on to my delusions!] is replaced by a damp sponge. I like to imagine mine is a purple sponge. It comforts me.
So far it’s resulted in the following:
attempting to eat my cereal with a fork.
Two bites in and I realized something was off…
storing my keys in the laundry basket.
Not accidentally in a pants pocket, no. Right in the basket. Apparently they were dirty?
putting candles in the fridge.
I’d like to say this one was just one of those odd flukes where I confuse the my storage closet with the refrigerator, but I’ve done this twice now. My fridge smells like tropical flowers.
losing everything in sight.
Especially my eraser. While it’s not exactly humorous to lose an eraser, I’m still very much haunted by this. It was my favorite eraser and I still can’t freaking find it. I guess I should be more distraught over the five bazillion times I’ve lost my car these past 9 months, but no… the eraser is more troubling.
pouring the remainder of my iced coffee in the cat’s water dish.
I could have sworn I had been drinking water and not coffee. I actually don’t feel too bad though, since I’ve been known to accidentally water my plants with coffee only to have the cat devour the plant days later. It’s a thing. Besides, coffee is delicious =)
forgetting to put on undergarments.
Going commando is all fine and dandy if and when you’ve intended to do so. Accidental commando, however, is quite terrifying.
I’ve also butchered nearly every movie quote I’ve attempted to recite, said approximately 100001 things that make about as much sense as rainbow sprinkle-covered sweet potatoes, and managed to get lost nearly every time I’ve ventured behind the wheel. All of this seems to amuse my husband to no end. I should start charging entertainment fees. Or maybe I’ll just steal his wallet and buy myself a pair of shoes.